I don't have television. Oh I own a giant eyesore of a TV but we get not a single channel because we live in a metal house and delicious television signals can't penetrate our walls. So my beloved bought me an indoor television antenna so I'd stop whinging about not being able to make fun of the new 90210. Sadly, the CW did not come in, so instead, I enjoyed a couple episodes of the show Numbers, one riveting and blurry half hour of a TV show about a rabbit toothed toddler turned superstar called “Hannah Montana” and then hours of infomercial entertainment. I watched one infomercial that looked like a CNN news show and I'm still not sure what they were selling. I watched hair product ads and ads for cookers and my personal favorite, a bushy browed man selling me on the benefits of an expensive juicer by telling me that other foods are dead but, “the juice is alive. It's life.”
So basically I watched a bunch of ads and worked myself into a froth of righteous indignation. The most offensive commercial was for a product called "Maxiglide". I know it sounds like a feminine hygiene product but it's really just a hair straightener. This poorly named press was treated like the second coming of Christ (or possibly the third coming, you know the one where Christ announces that he’s into “manscaping” and that everyone needs to chill out and quit taking the Bible literally). I have no problem with anyone who wants to flatten their curls, but I did have an issue with the rap and soul music blaring throughout the ad. Okay I get it. It's to shame black women into hating themselves. They would show some white girls with mildly coarse hair using it and then they'd show a black girl and say "This works for ESPECIALLY difficult hair". F*** you Maxiglide. My hair is not the problem. You are the m’effing problem.
After I ripped off all my eyelashes watching that, I changed the channel to an irritatingly perky infomercial for the Xpres which is supposed to change your life by cooking things in 8 minutes but it's really just a glorified sandwich maker. Actually it is simply a sandwich maker. No glory added. The worst part was the host screaming at me. Why do they do that? That is patriarchal bullying on a massive scale. In the infomercials for cooking products it is always a female "inventor" and a male host in an ugly sweater. The male host acts as though the equipment is going to give him hot sweaty monkey sex after the cameras are off and he Just. Can’t. Wait. So he proceeds to scream at the female host, getting more and more worked over tostadas and omelets, until it all climaxes with the holy grail of orgasmic infomercial claims: MOIST CHICKEN!
Female Inventor: See it's just that easy!
Ugly Sweatered Male Host: Wow! ALL MADE WITH THE MAGIC DELICIOUS CONVECTION GADGET 2000???
FI: Indeed it is.
USMH: THIS PRODUCT WILL CHANGE YOUR LIFE???
FI: Well my family loves it! The kids can't wait to see what I've made for dinner with it.
USMH: LOOK AT THE NATURAL JUICES!
FI: Yes, the food will come out better than a gourmet restaurant. This is over $900 worth of products for only $200.
USMH: BROWN AND CRISPY ON THE OUTSIDE!
FI: Uh... yeah it is.
USMH: THIS IS HEALTHIER THAN COOKING IN A FRYING PAN? *strokes the gadget lovingly and drools a little*
FI: yeah... Uh yes it is!
USMH: I CAN FINALLY GET RID OF THE BODIES IN MY BASEMENT BY COOKING THEM WITH YOUR PATENTED TRIPLE PROCESS AND THEN ENJOY A HEALTHY MEAL OF HUMAN FLESH AND AFTERWARD I CAN PLEASURE MYSELF BETWEEN THE GRILLS???
FI: What??? No! You CANNOT cook people in the Magic Delicious Convection Gadget 2000. Or do anything sexual with it!
USHM: DON'T YOU TELL ME WHAT TO DO, BITCH! *proceeds to stab the FI with a fork* BUY *stab* THIS AWESOME PRODUCT *stab stab stabby* TODAY! *greases the grill on both sides* Oh yessssssssss, ooooh GOD yeah the chicken gets SO MOISSSSST!
You know, I think the real problem with infomercials is too much subtext. If they went ahead and did what they were really thinking, I’d buy a Magic Delicious Convection Gadget 2000.
Well. It looks as though your Muse is like the juice and alive. Alive and sick as usual. Well done gorgeous, well done!
ReplyDeleteAlso I have a thing that makes me moist chicken. It's called a chicken rotissery place down the street. They also throw in rice, salsa and tortillas, at no extra charge.
I enjoy reading your rants so much!!!
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