I Stand on the Side of Love.

I don't usually use this blog to discuss political things because honestly, I'm kind of shallow and I prefer to focus on pop culture and sarcasm. But I'm paying close attention to the current debate raging in the Supreme Court and something was said yesterday that tweaked me. I was so mad about it, I went home and subjected my husband to a twenty minute rant (don't worry, he's used to them).

Let me start by stating my position. I think any consenting adult should have the right to marry another consenting adult. I think they should have the same rights and responsibilities that we all have. I think they should have health care benefits, divorce rights and tax rights. I think it's a moral issue. We do not have the right to deny someone their basic freedoms because we aren't fond of who they sleep with. It seems simple to me, though I understand why it isn't. I also understand the fear and terror of change that many are feeling on the other side of the issue.

But I digress.

NPR was covering the Supreme Court opening statements yesterday and this is what lawyer Charles J. Cooper said about marriage:

The concern is that redefining marriage as a genderless institution will sever its abiding connection to its historic traditional procreative purposes, and it will refocus the purpose of marriage and the definition of marriage away from the raising of children and to the emotional needs and desires of adults, of adult couples.

First of all, my understanding of history suggests that marriage was created in order to move and divide property. Women had few choices and were used as bartering tools to keep property and wealth in the correct hands, so spare me your romanticized history of marriage.

Second, since when does marriage focus on children? Did your wedding vows reference making babies? Mine didn't. My legal marriage exists because the United States says I have the right to marry, regardless of my ability or desire to procreate, regardless of my religion, regardless of whether or not you think it's a good idea. My marriage has nothing to do with babies or your narrow view of what marriage is. I got married because I wanted to make a public statement and a private covenant with the person I loved and the fact that the person I loved would have my health benefits made it a prudent decision.

We aren't choosing to have children and to infer that our marriage doesn't count because we aren't is a slap in the face. This argument boils down to religious people trying to cram religion into an institution that doesn't require it. Satanists can get married. Atheists can get married. Childless people, infertile people, jailed people, all have the right to get married. If you are gay and your partner transitions to another gender, then you can legally wed that partner.

I digress yet again. I was pleased to hear that the Justices poked some serious holes in this "logic" early on by asking if couples should be required to determine their ability to procreate before marrying. Justice Kagan went so far as to ask if couples who marry after procreating age should be banned from marriage. The lawyer's answer?

Your Honor, even with respect to couples over the age of 55, it is very rare that both parties to the couple are infertile...

He goes on to clarify that men rarely if ever lose their fertility and therefore her question was moot. I'm sorry but that negates his later point, which was that a union reinforces the notion that marriage imposes obligations of fidelity on the couple. If the female is infertile, the male is fertile and the couple has obligations of fidelity, then no children are coming out of that marriage. Therefore if you go back to his initial argument, their marriage should not be valid or recognized because it will be about the emotional needs and desires of adults.

I know this is a little bit of reductio ad absurdum, because no one is saying they want to make it illegal for childless couples to marry, but the logic is there.You can't make your argument based on a marriage standard you made up. Most of the 30-somethings I know are marrying with no intention to have children. Most of them are not religious. Their marriages are just as valid as that of a religious, child-centric union. They receive the same tax benefits, the same divorce benefits that religious couples share.

I'll tell you a little story. Last August I attended the wedding of a couple who are past child bearing age. They both had difficult previous marriages and their love story is one of grace and faith. They had a long, hard road to happiness and when they chose it for themselves, the beauty of what a marriage is and what it can be glowed like fireworks. It was the most joyous wedding I've ever been to. When they danced their first dance, my heart was so full of happiness for them that it ached. They got married because they love each other. Not because their parts fit together like a lock and a key. Not because they plan to have babies. Not because of responsibilities or social agendas. The purpose was simple, I want to be with you, I vow to be faithful, to take care of you. The purpose of their marriage was to keep telling the world that their hearts were like tree roots, growing together and becoming one. They didn't need to get married. But at a certain point in your relationship, you look at your partner and you realize that being joined with them, legally and socially, is the most beautiful thing you could imagine.

I want every consenting adult to have that right to do just that.

If you want to read more about Mr. Cooper's comments, you can find them here: http://blog.aarp.org/2013/03/26/justice-kagans-55-curveball-same-sex-marriage-u-s-supreme-court/

What is the purpose of YOUR marriage? Leave me a comment.

Trolls and lunatics will not be tolerated. Polite discourse only,  please and thank you.

Best Buy cheated me and they won

I'm being very serious here. Beware the allure of the Best Buy Credit Card. The 18 months same as cash is a trap from which you cannot escape.

In November, I ordered a $900 laptop from Best Buy. I walked into the store with the make and model and price from the website and said, "order me that one". How much simpler could I make it on the salesperson? Here it is, I wants it. I have a card. Charge it.

Nope. It was a HUGE trial. We were there for about an hour during which I was asked over and over if I had the right laptop (it was printed out from their website). Their computer had a different price than the site. It didn't come in the same color. Blah blah blah.They didn't seem to have a clue what they were doing and I was so frustrated that I almost cancelled the order and walked out. I wish now that I had. But the deed was done. While I was at it, I bought Microsoft Office 2010 for $99.99, replacing my 2003 Student/Teacher Edition and making me squee with joy. Oh and I bought a warranty for the laptop for $129.99 (that is important).

So while it was shipping in, I had many conversations with Hubs about it and we decided not to get the laptop. It was a lot of money and honestly we were a bit soured by our experience with the store. So when it came in, I went to the store with all my receipts and warranty paperwork and I said, "I ordered a laptop but I have decided I don't want it. I bought a warranty too. I'm sorry and I'd like to return it."

The girl nodded, said "No problem" and took my paperwork. She brought out the laptop and proceeded to ring up the credit. She handed me the receipt and had me sign for it. Now here was problem one. I no longer remembered how much the laptop cost exactly. I was at the store so long and there was so much BS being slung at me about what I needed to buy that I honestly did not remember. So for my part, I should have read the damn receipt and caught the error, but alas I did not. I signed for it and went about my business.

I received a bill in Mid December that seemed off. I should only have been charged for the MS Office software which was $99.99. The bill was for $243 and some change. I called the store and was informed that the extra $129.99 amount was for the warranty. I gently explained that I didn't owe a warranty because I didn't have a laptop. They seemed baffled by this. They cannot charge me for a warranty on an item I never possessed. The girl on the phone told me that I would need to come into the store with the warranty info in order to resolve it.

I searched all over. I couldn't find it. I was fairly certain I shredded it. I mean why would I keep the warranty paperwork on a piece of machinery I don't own? I was still trying to figure it out at the end of December when I got another bill. Now I was being charged a $25 late fee for not paying the bogus bill.

I called the store again. The guy on the phone looked it all up and said, "Okay we can fix it" and he said he took care of it. It was all set. The warranty was removed. No need to come in and show imaginary paperwork. He told me that I should sign up on the website and check my balance in a few days.

I went online and signed up. A stupidly torturous process during which I set up my login for my Best Buy Rewards Zone only to find out the credit card is a completely separate login and password so I had to set that up in addition to the other. Then when you go to log in, you have to choose which card you have from three on the screen. I couldn't figure it out, as the card like mine was TURNED AROUND so I couldn't see the front to differentiate between them. I had to sign up and try all three styles of card to figure out which one was mine. At that point, as John Pinette would say, I had lost my cherub like demeanor. I went to the site and it had the same balance.

A few days after that, I tried again and yay, the credit was there! But waaaait, it wasn't for the full amount! They only credited me $119.99 and the late charge was still on there.

I called them again and said, "What's up with the partial credit?" They were confused again and told me that I needed to come into the store (again with this nonsense?) with the warranty information.

I ransacked my office and found I did have the warranty info tucked away. It wasn't shredded yet. So I drove out to Best Buy, intent on fixing this.

The guy behind the counter was the same one I'd talked to who gave me the partial credit. He acted as though I were very, very stupid for not understanding that the warranty was pro-rated. Since I waited a month to complain (when my bill came), they charged me $10 for the warranty. I was like, "But you are charging me for something that doesn't exist. I never had the laptop. I brought all the paperwork when I returned the laptop!" He told me that I would need to go home and call the number on the Best Buy card and fight it out with them. I asked why they didn't just tell me that when I called the third time and he shrugged. Didn't know, didn't seem to care.

Tonight I had given up. I was going to just pay the bill online and be done with it. I didn't want to fight anymore. I'd take the loss, pay the late fee and lock the BB card up forever. So I went online to pay and you have to sign up YET AGAIN for a special service to pay your card online. So I signed up only to find out, they take your banking info. You can't pay with your credit card or debit card online. Are you fucking with me Best Buy? Why can't I pay with my credit card? It's safer doing that (which is tracked by my credit card company) than leaving my banking info floating around cyber land.

Now I am really pissed off. But I try really hard to be polite even when I'm angry. I called the number on the bill to pay and got a message that informed me they don't take credit card over the phone either. GRRORIWOIKDSLKJDALK WTFBBQkalktoer.WHAT? THE? FUCK?

I had to hit roughly a thousand menu buttons and finally got a very nice customer service rep named, Chris. He listened quietly while I told him the whole story and threatened to use my Best Buy card for target practice unless it was resolved. He asked if he could put me on hold to discuss this with someone higher up. I said sure. He had me on hold for a couple of minutes. He came back on the line and very sheepishly expressed his apologies for the trouble I had and then told me that they couldn't handle this over the phone. He was very sorry to make me jump through more hoops but it needed to go to CASE FUCKING REVIEW.

At that point I asked, "Pray tell Chris, what is Case Review and can I stab it with a fork?"

No I couldn't. See now I had to gather up all my receipts to prove that I returned the laptop (they have on file that I returned it, because they credited me $900 for it). They also needed copies of the sales slip from the credit for $119.99. I explained that I didn't have a receipt for that since it was done over the phone and also THEY HAVE THE CREDIT ON FILE. THEY ARE LOOKING AT IT. WHY AM I PROVIDING YOU WITH PROOF OF WHAT YOU ARE ALREADY SEEING ON THE SCREEN???

He said I would have to submit everything I had to case review and they would decide in a week or so. If they agreed with my complaint, he could take the late charge off the account.

At that point I was steaming mad. I am not faxing them receipts they already have on file. That is stupid and I don't have time for stupid things. I am not waiting another week, during which time I will be charged another late fee and then have to dispute that one too.

I took some deep breaths while Chris went on and on about how I file the complaint and I finally cut him off. I told him that he won. His shyster company won. I was going to drive -again- to Best Buy and pay the whole balance. They could have the extra money. But not only am I never shopping there again, I am gonna make sure everyone knows what lying cheats they are. Because SERIOUSLY. They have a seriously awful and counter-intutive system for paying bills and the fact that their system doesn't understand that you can't charge a warranty on a returned item is insane. But they win.

So I'm warning you, if you want to be overcharged and ripped off, then definitely get a Best Buy card. If you don't want those things, then save your money and pay cash for what you want. Because everything they do is designed to rip extra money from your wallet.

PS I am going to Best Buy tomorrow to pay the bill. I am going to hit the bank in the morning and take out the cash. Now the balance is at $145 for some reason and I just can't bother asking why. The bills are amorphous, ever changing things. I'm going to wait until very close to closing time. Then I'm going to ask to speak with a manager and I'm going to tell him or her the full story and let them know that since they have cheated me out of my hard earned money, they can pass onto corporate how much I hate their guts and I'm gonna pay the entire balance in unrolled pennies. Because Fuck you Best Buy. Your managers can spend the evening counting that shit out and if they refuse the take it, I can take them to court and dispute the complete charges on the grounds that I attempted to pay for it and they refused my legal tender.

I am in a bad mood. Fuck Best Buy. Fuck it forever.

Tales of a Medical Receptionist: Ooooooold

I am 32 soon to be 33 in week and a half . I am not old. I feel old sometimes, but I'm actually not.

I work with college students who are -currently- born of the same generation I was born into. My teenage years were in the 90's, their elementary school years were in the 90's.

So I am having a conversation with a nice student. She is 19 years old. We are talking about costume parties for some weird reason I can't recall. She tells me that she went to a party recently that had a super hero theme and a ton of people dressed as "Quailman" and then says this to me:

"He's a superhero from this cartoon, he's like from my generation and stuff so you wouldn't be familiar with him. It was from the 90's."

How ancient does this girl think I am? Suddenly my afropuff/pigtails felt desperate rather than adorable. My whimsical office art seemed childish. Perhaps I was supposed to have on a festive holiday sweater, offer some hardcandy in a dish and start my conversations with, "Well I'm on a fixed income so..."

I went home to my loving Hubs to get some sympathy. I told him, "She made me feel so old! I was a teenager in the 90's! I know everything about the 90's!"

Hubs raised his eyebows at me and asked, "What was the name of the superhero?"

I shrugged. I couldn't remember at the moment.

My handsome not-yet-murdered-in-his-sleep husband  smirked at me and poured salt directly in my wound by asking, "Had you ever heard of the superhero she was talking about?"

No.

No I had not heard of that stupid superhero. But that is SO not the point.

The point is, fuck you, I am not old.

Tales of a Medical Receptionist: Not a Great Grasp of Basic Building Design

Patient stood in front of the hallway window. The window that faces the street and all the shops and eateries that live above ground. The window with a lovely view of trees of sunlight. She said to me, "Dr X said I need get labs done here or something."

"Did she tell you to go to the basement?" I asked.

She nods vigorously. "Yeah," she says as she tries to shove her paperwork into my hand.

I stare out the window for a moment, hoping that lightening will shoot forth from the bright sky and strike her in the part of the brain that makes deductions and leaps of logic.

Nothing happens.

She stares at me expectantly. She stares at the woman who is sitting in an office and not a lab. Who has signs posted outside the door that state "Allergy Clinic". Finally I say, "This isn't the basement, it's the first floor."

She looks at me completely baffled, as sunlight streams in and makes her hair look ever so shiny. Then she asked me, "Oh so then where do I go?"

I restrained myself from saying a lot of different answers, all of which would have gotten me fired. Instead I smiled and said, "Go back to the stairwell you just came out of and go down one floor because the basement is below the first floor."

She smiled brightly and flounced away, content with the knowledge that she doesn't need to be intelligent because she's very, very pretty.

Of Country Singers and Wedding Crashing and Etiquette

Manners. Civility. Etiquette. Those are words that don't have a lot of meaning left in modern life. We only trot them out for weddings and discard them when the event is over.  But etiquette is important. Etiquette exists as set of rules, not to bring us down, but to make navigating uncomfortable situations a little easier. When everyone knows how to behave, no one feels lost. It’s the fundamental way we run society. It’s another set of rules like stop lights. You stop at the red light and go on the green. We do this for ease, for safety and to keep life running smoothly.

Right now there is a lot of discussion regarding Taylor Swift’s lack of manners. Her rudeness. Her presumptuousness in showing up to a wedding she hadn’t been invited to attend. The story goes like this. Twenty-two year old Taylor Swift is currently dating eighteen year old Conor Kennedy.  Conor was invited to his cousin’s wedding and he never bothered to RSVP.  He texted the Mother of the Bride (MOTB) an hour before the wedding asking to come and to bring his girlfriend. The MOB said no. He showed up anyway with his Grammy award winning squeeze and the MOTB asked them to leave.  They ignored her. She asked again. They left for a while and then came back. Somehow the MOTB ended up talking to a newspaper and telling them all about Taylor’s rudeness.  The MOTB just happens to be Kathy Lee Gifford’s step-daughter. So Kathy was asked and she went on her show and stated that her step-daughter’s tale of woe was correct and that Taylor Swift stole the spotlight from the bride and behaved like an entitled snot- though she didn’t say that part aloud, it was definitely the undercurrent of the censure. Kathy made a big deal about the MOTB planning a beautiful sit down dinner that couldn’t possibly accommodate added guests without RUINING EVERYTHING FOREVER.

Now I’m not a fan of Taylor Swift’s music. I don’t know her personally. She may be an entitled snot. I have no idea. But I know a few things about life.

1.    Until I was thirty-one years old and planning my own wedding, I never RSVP-ed for a single event I was invited to attend. I never knew the importance of it and I didn’t have a clue how difficult it is to handle a wedding when people won’t get back to you. So the fact that a teenager and his early twenties girlfriend made this faux pas hardly seems shocking. 

2.    You are out of your mind if you think their sit down dinner couldn’t accommodate two extra guests. I refuse to believe that the KENNEDY FAMILY didn’t make allowances in their food budget for two extra people. I call shenanigans on it. Caterers always provide more food than is necessary just to accommodate last minute additions and unforeseen circumstances.  It’s a trade standard. So if my podunk, gnome themed, picnic wedding had extra food- so much we had to throw it away- you can bet the freaking Kennedys had extra plates to spare .

3.    Kathy Lee was stating that her showing up stole the spotlight from the bride. This I believe is the real crux of the issue. The MOTB didn’t want her daughter upstaged by a cutesy country pop tart. As Kathy stated, “It’s the BRIDE’S DAY.” I won’t even get into the antiquated and the inherent sexism of a statement like that but I will say that no one was gonna be confused about whose day it was. The whole thing feels very, Oh mercy, lawk a lawdy the bride went unnoticed! It’s so ludicrous to assume that a wedding full of famous, rich politicians and famous rich celebrities (Kathy Lee included) were going to fall apart and swarm Taylor for autographs rather than watch the ceremony.  Calm down. Take deep breaths. Focus on priorities. It would have resolved itself quickly.

Yes it’s very rude to crash someone’s wedding and not leave when asked. I chalk this up to either miscommunication, youthful stupidity or conflicting you’re invited/no you’re not stuff that happens with big families. But to me, the most appalling behavior came from the MOTB and Kathy Lee Gifford.

One of the most important pieces of the etiquette puzzle is GRACIOUSNESS. The ability to roll with the punches and smile and not only make yourself look good, but to make your other guests comfortable, even if this means downplaying someone’s rudeness. Graciousness allows you to preserve the solemnity and peace of the occasion. A gracious hostess would have made a place for them and acted as though nothing were amiss. She could have reamed them out to her hearts content - in private- but throwing out a family member during the wedding because he didn’t RSVP seems so gauche to me. Then you add in that she took it a step further and complained about the situation to the press and made it all public. How very unmannered of her.

Graciousness means you don’t point out other people’s rudeness because that is rude in and of itself. **

She is the one who turned her daughter's wedding from a joyous event about two people in love to a sound bite about Taylor Swift’s behavior. Now her daughter’s wedding is rag magazine gossip fodder for bored middle class schlubs like myself.  Congrats. You made sure Taylor stole all the press and all the attention.

The lesson of all of these faux and pas is that we should all remember the most important tenet of Basic Etiquette and Civility 101: you can’t fix an asshole by being an asshole.

**I’m aware of the hypocrisy of gracelessly pointing out her rudeness for pointing out someone else’s rudeness but I’m disappointed. Everything I know about rich people I learned from Gossip Girl. The MOTB should have sucked it up, pasted on a smile, slid a headband into her hair and plotted her revenge Blair Waldorf style.

Mistakes were *almost* made

So here are two seemingly unrelated facts:

1. I work in a doctors office and I often have to copy and paste information from one system to another as we have one software for scheduling and a seperate software for our electronic medical record.

2. Sometimes I cut and paste funny things from the internet and put them in word files for myself.

You might see where this tale is heading

So I was reading my favorite gossip site, The Superficial and they said something that made me laugh so hard, I almost peed. I copied it and pasted it into a word file because I was going to post it on Facebook and suggest that someone should make it into a t-shirt.

So after that, I was filling out a form in a patient's chart and I needed to copy and paste the physician address. I thought I had done it, and I was getting ready to sign off on the form (making it an official and irrevocable part of the patient's record) when I noticed something strange. Under the line where it asked for the address of the specialist was the following phrase:

"ALL THE VAGINA ARE BELONG TO SKARSGARD"

After I got done having a panic attack, I laughed and laughed and laughed.

I also managed to delete it before signing off on the referral.

That would have been an interesting conversation with the leadership team.

Why do my best stories happen at speedway?

So I had to go to Speedway for some gasoline. While I was at it, I went inside the store and bought some krispy cremes and a frozen coke because I take my drown my sorrows in junk food (thanks dysfunctional family!). So I'm standing in line off to the side and there is a lady at the counter, a very attractive lady with a smoking body who appeared to be wearing a light sweater over black leggings. The sweater just skimmed her hips so the leggings were in full view and they were very tight. The man standing directly behind her had his face practically glued to her shapely booty.

So she paid for her merch and she headed toward the door. At the door, standing directly in the sunlight, she stopped to put something in her purse and my eyes almost fell out of my head. They weren't leggings, made of cotton fabric and tight to the body, oh no.

She was wearing tights.

Sheer tights and no underpants. Standing directly in the sun.

I think I need to slightly digress from the story for a moment and let you know something important that you should probably already understand. TIGHTS ARE NOT THE SAME AS LEGGINGS. Leggings are spandex leg coverings and are completely opaque, which means NOT SEE THROUGH. While it is questionable whether leggings should count as pants, it's clear that tights are not pants. Tights are tights. They are made of nylon and they are just thicker pantyhose. Even if they say opaque on the packaging, when you stretch them over your big round derrier, they cease to be opaque. Which means they are sheer. And thus are not pants.

PLEASE REPEAT AFTER MISS MOPPET: TIGHTS ARE NOT LEGGINGS!TIIIIIIGHTS ARE NOOOOOOT LEGGGGGGINGS!

Ahem. So as I'm staring at this lady's naked booty, she turns and says thank you to the cashier before exiting the store. It's good that's she's so polite. That's important. It's also good that she has such fastidious vaginal grooming habits. Because she was completely devoid of hair down there.

I should not know this.

I was particulary discomfitted by the noise that came from the throat of the guy that had been in line behind her. It was sort of a noisy clearing of the throat mixed with a grunt and then a small moan at the end. I think he might have had an orgasm. Or an aneurysm.I can't be sure.

Dear "Lady" in the Speeday,

Thank you for sharing so much of yourself with me. I learned a lot. But while I appreciate your generous nature I want you to know that I shouldn't see that much of you unless I've bought you dinner first. Please put clothing on your lower body.

Uncomfortably yours,
Miss Moppet